|| 9:07 pm EST, Jan 14, 2008
Each wine put forth some stiff competition, and the judging was difficult. The bottom line: these wines are all horrible. We did the research so you can stay away from them.
[Wild Irish Rose] The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose from Ireland. Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in Chanadaigua, NY, the same company as Cisco. Like its brother Cisco, "Wild I" definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium. Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the republicans to kill the homeless.
[Thunderbird] If your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then "T-bird" is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower.
WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you've been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.
[Cisco] Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too.
In 1991, Cisco's tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label (above right). The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, "Takes You by Surprise," even though it was entirely accurate.
[Night Train Express] The night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong liklihood of a train wreck along the way. This trainyard favorite is vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Don't bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there.
[Jeppson's Malört] ...the flavor is a mixture of tussin, nail polish remover, gasoline, bug spray, varnish remover, and metal with a hint of herbs. The taste powerfully lingers for at least ten minutes.
[Buckfast Tonic Wine] Buckfast was thick, with a strong taste of molasses. There was also a hint of some type of herb reminiscent of oregano, and a soapy aftertaste.
[White Ace] Our reporter brought a 3 liter jug of "White Ace" cider back to the states, which is 7% alcohol per volume and only about $3.50 US for the whole 3 liter jug. When the test subject drank the whole bottle of "White Ace," in Las Vegas, the effects were severe. He got kicked out of 4 Queens casino for washing his hands in a urinal, then fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up soaked in his own urine. He woke up and got into a 6 year old's pirate costume, ran around slapping gamblers in the gut, got kicked out of The Imperial Palace, and became so obnoxious that his friends put him on a plane and sent him home early.
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