I hate food critics. I hate anything served "California style." Why?

Glad you asked.

The linked article very poorly attempts to make the case that chef Adam Fleischman's Umami Burger is the best in America. I say BULLSHIT! From what I gather, this hamburger is simply a regular hamburger loaded to the gills with MSG. Wow, sounds great!

America has recently fucked up the hamburger on every level, and the most fucked up food always originates in California, where something about the air mutates the taste buds in horrible ways.

When I order a hamburger, I want grilled or griddle-cooked beef on a toasted bun with chopped onion and ketchup. I don't want lettuce, mayonnaise, wasabi mustard, feta cheese, avocado, or any fucking "secret sauce" unless the secret is that they use fucking ketchup.

Californians need to put all this pretentious shit on their food. What the fuck is wrong with a normal slice of pizza? NOTHING! It doesn't need a goddam thing that a three-hundred years dead Italian didn't already think to put on it!

America, stop fucking up your food! Invent a whole new pretentious meal if you wish, but leave standards alone!

And another thing, if your fucking burger patty is so thick that you can't even bite into both sides of the bun and the burger in one bite, then it's too fucking big!!! It's not enjoyable anymore. If you are a fat, overeating fuck, then order two or three or twenty man-sized burgers or just jump into the water and subsist on thousands of pounds of Krill, each day.

Fuck California Pizza Kitchen, too. That's a tale for another day.

California, Hold Thy Tongues!